MOVE INTO HIS PRESENCE

MOVE INTO HIS PRESENCE
by Tara Kayali

Every time I am asked to speak, I try to be as open and real as possible.  I knew some things God wanted me to talk about, but I couldn’t find that common thread to tie it all together in a neat, organized talk. So, this may not be the polished talk you are used to, but I think that’s what God wants. I think He wants us to put aside the church lingo and Christian mask and ask our real questions. Share our true hearts without fear of judgment.

So today, I want you to think about your “why.” I don’t mean your reason for doing what you do, your motivation. I mean the part of your story where you still find yourself overcome with emotion, asking God “Why?” I asked God over and over again why He gave me to an alcoholic mother. Why did He allow my father to be murdered?

Why was the only option I had for a father and an abusive stepfather.  Why did my mom fight so hard to get sober, only to have liver disease steal her mind? I asked these questions repeatedly, and when I got no response, I felt abandoned by God. Does anyone else feel that way? Do you know and believe everything you hear at church but then find yourself sobbing alone in the car, begging God to explain “Why?”

I am not going to pretend to have all the answers. Instead, I just want to share what God has been revealing to me. First, we are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking God why there are broken pieces, ask Him what He has planned for the broken pieces.

God didn’t break anything, but He is the only one who can transform it into something beautiful. He won’t explain why because it wasn’t His doing. In the Bible, He never explains why people choose to sin, only that they do. He doesn’t explain prevention; He is about redemption. When we focus so hard on something in the past, determined to know why, He wants us to instead ask His plan to redeem the story and call out beauty from the ashes.

In John 11, we read the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead. His sisters sent word to Jesus that they desperately needed Him to come save their brother (this is just like when we pray desperately for God to intervene). Then the unthinkable happens, and Lazarus dies (much like us, his sisters probably thought Jesus didn’t get the word, we didn’t pray right, or He just didn’t care). They reached a part of their story where their “whys” overtook them. They told Him that if He had only been there, it wouldn’t have happened.

Why wasn’t He there? Why didn’t He step in and prevent his death? But Jesus said something very profound before Lazarus died that I want us all to remember. In John 11:4, He said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not END in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” Jesus said the story would not END in death, not that a death would not occur. He tells us plainly that bad things will happen, but through HIM, that story will not end in death! God will receive glory from this—not because of it, but from it!

God doesn’t receive glory for what broke your heart, but for what grows out of your broken heart.  When Satan knocks you down and presses your face into the mud, God will use that mud to open your blinded eyes. As my eyes have been opened, God is showing me more and more of His purpose within me.

I have sometimes wondered how God could possibly use me to minister to others. I knew in the depths of my soul that I was not enough. I had no special giftings or abilities. I was told over and over again, through my parents' actions, that I was insignificant. I could not imagine a way that this wasn’t true because it seemed to be proven repeatedly throughout my life. I believed it was just who I was. This belief was a stronghold in my life that held me back from practically everything, especially from ministry.

But when I heard the truth in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago,” I decided to try and convince myself that this could be true for me. I tried to cover up the stronghold with the truth, but the stronghold was still there under the surface. I just put a Christian mask on top of it.

Then God showed me two visions about strongholds. The first vision was of hot wax being dripped down, forming something that looked like a stalagmite. He said this formation is a stronghold, and Satan is constantly feeding it more to make it larger and larger. I was using my nails to try and scratch away the wax, but it kept coming back. I was trying to cover it with a pretty cloth, but it kept coming back. Nothing I could do would get rid of it. Then God told me to come closer to Him. As I moved closer to Him, the stronghold began to melt away. It was HIS presence, not my effort, that not only destroyed the stronghold but also prevented new wax from hardening.

I realized that the way to move closer to God’s presence was through prayer, worship, and reading His word. By continually doing these things, the strongholds were melting away. I didn’t have to force anything or fake it. I didn’t even have to figure out what the stronghold was. Sometimes I didn’t even realize what was truth and what was lies until the lies began to melt.

The next vision God showed me was of an X-ray. In the X-ray, there was a tumor wrapped around vital organs. He said that tumor is a stronghold. Satan knows exactly what is vital for the ministry God has planned for you. He targets those vital beliefs and does his best to not only mask them with a stronghold but also make you believe the stronghold is part of you—that it could not be safely removed, and if you tried, it would be far too painful and could destroy you.

I realized that in my own life, I clung to the stronghold that I was insignificant with no special giftings. If I never tried to stand out, no one would see me, and I would be safe. This stronghold was my security to keep me from getting hurt. That is exactly what a stronghold is: something that has become such a part of you that you don’t know how to function without it. You know how to live with it and are terrified of what would happen without it.

Once again, I discovered that by moving into God’s presence, the tumors were slowly dissolving. As they disappeared, the vital organs beneath them were being revealed. I began to discover that not only did I have something to say, but people seemed to appreciate it. I began to discover that what used to be my biggest fear, talking to others, was actually a vital part of my ministry.  I’m not sure you all can truly appreciate how tightly that fear of people had me bound. I’ll give you one example...

 When I was in college, I rented a room in a house where all of the rooms were rented by other girls at the same college.  The house had an addition built on and I was upstairs in the main house.  

The girl across the hall used to knock on my door to invite me to watch a movie with everyone else or whatever.  If I even answered my door, I usually said I would probably come down in a minute.  I needed time to gather the courage.  Later I would walk down but was too scared to open any of the doors to find them.  They were in the new addition apparently and the door to that looked like a back door so I didn’t try it.  So i would go back to my room.  I lived there at least 5 months before I followed the girl to where they were and finally met the other people that lived in the same house as me! I am telling you, I was absolutely terrified of other people!  Only God could have melted that stronghold off of me.  

God called every single one of us to minister to others.  If there is a stronghold holding you back, Satan built it strategically.  Satan is trying to bury what God has gifted you with.  It may feel scary to uncover those, that is exactly why Satan built that stronghold.  But I promise, if you just move closer to God, He will gently melt off that stronghold and it won’t be painful, it will be healing.

Part of my determination to keep pushing more and more into God’s presence is staying consistent in His word.  I chose to read the Bible in a year and am now on my fourth time through.  I have discovered that you don’t start over every year, you go another level deeper and hear God’s voice clearer each year.  I used to wonder if people were telling the truth when they said that God showed them this or told them that.  

How did they know it was God?  Now I get it.  The more I have gotten to know the character of God, the quicker I recognize the voice of God.  

Just last month, I was pushing through the book of Jeremiah.  If you haven’t read the book of Jeremiah, it is basically God explaining how if they don’t turn from their idols and return to Him, He is going to destroy everything in the city leaving it a desolate, dry land where no one will live.  

This is prophesied for multiple nations and repeated over and over again for 52 chapters.  I will absolutely admit that after the first dozen times of hearing this cheery message, I am just glazing over the words, trying to plow through so I can get to the next book sooner. I was not expecting to get a new revelation here in Jeremiah. So when I was deep into about the 50th chapter, I was shocked to hear God say “You know, I will do that for you”.  I am thinking, destroy a nation?  Ummm, thanks but I really can’t think of any nations I want destroyed right now.  He said, “No, I mean I will take down what your enemies built in your life, completely destroying everything they ever put their hand to and leave it in a state completely uninhabitable to your enemies.  You just have to let go and give it to me.”  I never thought I would be brought to tears in Jeremiah, but wow.  

That is the God you serve.  He sees what others have done to you and the effect it has had on your life and your ministry.  He doesn’t want to just come in and repair things, He wants to utterly destroy every false thing they created inside of you if we will just take our hands off and let His holy presence in.  If we will just stand back and let him flood us, there will be absolutely no evidence that damage was ever done and they will never have anywhere to attach to you again!  

This is going to be important because now that you are free, you will be given opportunities to learn to be victorious in battle.  With the God of angel armies by your side, He will allow battles to come.  Do not be afraid of this time, take courage in knowing that God is guiding you.  Keep pressing into him and remember how He has healed you.  The shield of faith will protect you from damage.  Faith does not mean having no concerns or questions, it means when you have concerns or questions, you take them back to God and keep in his presence.  When Thomas famously had doubts and questions, he took them straight to Jesus and was called closer to him until he was able to actually touch him!  Thomas was not rebuked for his questions, his faith was rewarded later as it has been recorded that of all of the apostles, his ministry went the furthest!  

Dive deeper into God’s word to sharpen your sword of the spirit.  It is the only weapon God gives us in battle, not because he is limiting us, but because it is the only one we need.  

Sometimes what we go through seems like we are under attack by Satan and there is no good that can come of it.  I am sure that Shad, Mesch, and Abidnigo weren’t excited to enter that furnace.  They watched them crank up the heat and watched others dying in the same situation.  Have you been through a trial where it felt like the heat was cranked up, there was no hope of escape, and you were surrounded by destruction?  They were truly tested in that moment and perhaps you are being tested in yours.  Will we serve God no matter what, or will we crumble and turn to an idol to save our lives.  They chose to worship God.  We have all heard that there was a 4th man in the fire, Jesus will be with you too when you choose to worship.  We have all heard that there was not even a hair on their heads singed.  If we have been in God’s presence, we will also be kept safe.  And listen to what else happened to these three men in the fire.  

Daniel 3:24-25 “But suddenly Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in amazement and exclaimed to his advisers, ‘Didn’t we tie up three men and throw them into the furnace?’ ‘Yes, your majesty, we certainly did,” they replied.  ‘Look!’ Nebuchadnezzar shouted.  ‘I see four men, UNBOUND, walking around in the fire unharmed! And the fourth looks like a god!”  

God kept his worshippers safe, but used that fire to destroy one thing.  

What the enemy used for evil, God used to destroy what bound them!  The fires you are going through can be allowed to destroy you or you can press into God and those same fires can free you! Don’t be afraid of the fires. Those fires will prepare you for your purpose.

I used to get really intimidated by that kind of statement.  “Preparing for your purpose”.  That sounds huge.  What even is my purpose?  I thought if you weren’t up on that stage, leading in some area, then you were still desperately seeking your purpose.  I was certain I would never be on that stage and I certainly didn’t feel like a leader so how could I even have a purpose?  I think a big grand purpose is too big to tackle.  Maybe instead of being overwhelmed by that, we should be focused on hearing God call.  You may not get called to lead worship or preach a message every day, but God is calling you to something.  

What God is calling you to do may seem insignificant, but in God’s world, your actions do not equal your impact.  When the disciples looked around for food to feed the 5,000, they gathered up five loaves and two fish.  They could not feed that many people with five loaves and two fishes.  We can not impact the world with the small thing God has called us to do.  Maybe it is a text you are supposed to send, a gift you are supposed to buy, and word you are supposed to speak.  These things are not going to change the world unless we follow the disciples examples.  They gave what they had to Jesus and HE changed the world with it!  You may be thinking you don’t have what it takes.  

But Jesus is saying, you only have a little piece of the puzzle without him, you weren’t meant to have everything it takes.  When what we have in the natural meets Jesus’ supernatural, we help impact the world.  We may be thinking, I am just a wife and mom, trying my best to fulfil my call to my family.  How can I also impact those outside of my home in this season? I just want you to think about two thousand years ago when a boy asked his mom if he could go with the crowds to hear the teacher.  And that tired, dedicated mama said, “wait, let me pack a lunch for you to take.”!  She answered the call to feed her son and ended up feeding a multitude!  Even in the mundane, day to day tasks of our life, God will take what we offer and use it for his glory!  Give yourself to God daily to add the super to your natural and just see what He does!

Following those day to day callings will lead you to your purpose. You will find that purpose buried underneath those strongholds that we talked about Satan building.  Allow God to cleanse you from your sins and tear down your traumas and then start telling everyone else about what God did in your life!  

Revelations 12:11 says “And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony…”  You have to open yourself up to the blood of the Lamb and then tell everyone else about it!  That is your ministry!  You want beauty from ashes?  Remember what Jesus said, that the story will not END in death, He will receive glory through it.  Give the story over to God and ask Him to breathe life into it, like Lazarus.

I want to share one final story with you all if I can make it through it.  Some of the strongholds that I had were cemented there with my unforgiveness.  

One of the people that I chose not to forgive for a long time was a man named Dean Sorrells, who when I was eight years old, murdered my father.  I have read articles about the case where the parole board described him as particularly cold blooded because of some of the details of the crime.  I felt very justified in not forgiving him.  

As God began healing my heart, He kept prompting me to forgive Dean.  I was eventually able to forgive him in the sense that I chose to not personally seek revenge or condemn him, I completely released him for God to deal with.  I did put in a request for God to not go easy on him please. God showed me that when I was not forgiving him, it was keeping our stories shackled together.  When I fully released him to God, I was released from him in a way that brought healing to me.  I eventually reached a point that I wrote him a letter, not only telling him that I forgave him, but I also shared the gospel with him.  

Through the years I have periodically even prayed for him which helped to heal bitterness that was built up in my heart.  Every once in a while I would google his name out of curiosity in case he had a parole hearing or escaped from jail or something.  Nothing had ever come up until two weeks ago.  I was surprised to see that it was an article that came up about a college that was going into prison systems to offer education and degrees for inmates.  

The man that killed my father was serving two back to back life sentences so I saw no logical reason why he would bother to get a degree but continued to read.  The article was about a graduation ceremony they were having in the prison where he lives.  They interviewed two inmates that were graduating, one of them being Dean Sorrells.  He said that a few years ago he had gotten saved in his cell and then he felt like God was calling him to be a missionary to the other prisoners.  He just graduated with a Christian Studies degree so he can minister as a chaplain/missionary.  

It was in that moment that I realized that when I released myself from being bound to him through unforgiveness, I fully released him to God.  God did not let this story end with death, His glory is now on display.  God has brought life from death and beauty from ashes.  It doesn’t matter what you have done or what has been done to you, or what season of life you are in,  God can use your story to minister to others!  


Right now I want us to take time to press into God.  Give him your broken pieces.  Satan has glued those pieces together into something hideous but God wants to melt away the strongholds holding them together.  Let him melt what is binding your story and let him reveal the truths that have been hidden from you.  

Let God have the pieces to build something beautiful in your story.  He wants to create a powerful testimony in you and that starts right now if you will just let go and worship.